But then I found apologetics, the use of logic, reason and science to, at the very least, prove the possibility of the existence of God and that Jesus was his son, part of the Trinity.
What hit me like a ton of bricks is that there must be something greater than us because if there is no God then:
1. Why is there something instead of nothing?
2. How could something come from nothing?
3. How could that something from nothing be non-living?
4. How could that non-living material become living?
5. How could there be any type of generally recognized morality?
6. How if there is no generally recognized morality could anyone be wrong?
7. How if anyone is not wrong could we force our belief system on them?
I have come to the conclusion that questions 1-4 can never be answered by science. Any scientific hypothesis, experiment or theory can happen only in a closed universe. Meaning, no matter what happens those findings are being acted upon by something within that universe altering any findings that could occur with a huge asterisk. So, in my beliefs, there must be some outside force, outside of time and space that is eternal and created time and space. It would have to be something so powerful to exist outside of time and space meaning it has always existed.
Recently, a new theory has come that the universe has existed forever. Most scientists disagree, but this brings about a couple of problems I can think of: if we were to go back in "time", there would be an infinite regress, infinite cannot exist in real time. Everything within our closed universe has had a beginning and will have an end, as far as we know. Unless the universe's "time" is circular...
Question 5, though we may disagree on morals, there are some that most human beings will agree upon, unless they are immoral. So yes, there are generally recognized morals.
But where do they come from? If we are no more than robots of meat, then generally recognized morality should never exist. What is "right" to me is "right" to me, you should not judge. However, we know that what is "right" to some societies is wrong. Hitler killing the Jews, there were enough people in German society at that time to believe that it was moral, yet we know it was not.
If there is no generally recognized morality then no one should ever try to force their morality on others which as soon as you state that means you are forcing your idea of morality on others, but anyway, how could the United State in WWII feel they should invade Germany?
Japan attacked us, and we would be justified for fighting back, but Germany just declared war on us they didn't invade. However, they did bomb and invade our allies. We could be justified in fighting them, but once the information of The Holocaust emerged, those people should not have been tried for crimes against humanity unless there are general moral laws that exist that people could not come up with on their own.
I have had more than one scientist tell me I am wrong because I don't understand physics. If there was nothing and there was something that means even the laws of physics didn't exist and would have only come in existence once time and space existed. Maybe the existed before time and space, but it is something that can only be theorized with little understanding because of, again, our closed universe.
Finally, when my daughter was born. I held her in my arms and had an overwhelming feeling that she was more than just something existing for no real reason or the product of a proto planet slamming into our Earth which ignited billions of years of evolution making this robot of meat to be held in my arms. My feelings for her and my son were more than just complex chemical reactions in my brain. There was something more, there was something greater than me...there has to be or all of this exists and everything we do is for nothing.
And what a sad, depressing, almost pitiful thing to think, of course, how dare I think that...it would be so illogical if it weren't so true.
*There are no new arguments to what I have written here. I was agnostic and I know every single argument used by atheists to fight believing in a God, I know because I used them. I do believe that questioning is a great thing because of that questioning, it led me to Christ.