Are You Super-Religious?

Ever have someone do you a favor, out of the blue, for no other reason than that they care about you and want to help? Probably our parents more than anyone and boy do we take them for granted?!

How did that make you feel?

I can tell you how I felt.

I felt ashamed that I needed help.

I felt overwhelmed that someone would do such a thing to help me.

I felt a sense of loyalty to this person.

I felt that I could never truly repay them, but I would try.

I felt a strong attachment to that person because of their kindness.

Now...I want you to consider and think about this.

If you believe that there is a God in heaven...

If you believe that He sent His Son to Earth...

If you believe that His Son showed us a way to live on Earth...

If you believe that same Son went to the cross to die for our atonement...

If you believe that Son, Jesus, died for us to have everlasting life sharing it with him...

How in the world could it not change you?

How in the world could it not change your perspective?

How in the world could you not be so thankful that you tried to live for Him every day?

I get asked occasionally if I am "super religious", and what is crazy is that I often get caught with trying to phrase exactly  what my answer should be.

So here it is...I believe that what was done for me is like no other "favor" I could ever ask for and it is only logical that I live each day thankful to the extreme for it.

And that favor changed me for the good, it only makes sense that I would want to share it, with anyone and everyone who will listen.

If that makes me super religious, call me guilty.

8:13 AM

People who have things going well are the ones who post positive stuff on social media, and trust me, I see plenty of negative stuff.

But when you feel good, you tend to be more positive, but I wonder how they feel when things are not going their way?

Do they remain positive and upbeat?

Only if you have an attitude of gratitude all the time, can you be somewhat positive most of the time. 

What is gratitude?

Gratitude is the quality of being thankful and thankful is being pleased and relieved.

I can sit here and type about all the things that are not good in my life, all the things that make me upset, all the things that I wish were different, and I can promise you there are many things that could and do bring me down. 

But I try, I try to stay focused on what is good. 

I woke up this morning relatively happy.

I have a beautiful wife who makes my life more fulfilled.

I have a son who came to work with me and I get to spend time with him.

I got to kiss my daughter goodbye as she was preparing for eLearning.

My son was hungry, and I had the money to go and get him donuts at the local grocery store and see him smile.

I came to work at a place I love at a job I love.

I have interacted with the future of America multiple times today.

I got to speak to a wonderful co-worker of mine and her young son.

And I believe in loving God who sent His son to die for my sins giving me eternal hope.

And that is all by 8:13 AM.

I Had a Dream About the Apocalypse...and here it is.

I had this dream about 2 or 3 years ago. It was so vivid that when I got up, 

I wrote some things down and then came to school and typed it out...here it is:

I was in my Grandma Hunter’s house, I stayed there one summer house sitting

and I was always afraid that the

back door wouldn’t lock and someone would get into the house.

I heard a noise and went to the back of the house, the door was open

and after searching with fear,

I found someone. The people I was with (not sure who they were) wanted them gone,

but I wanted to let them stay, especially since they seemed to need a place to stay.

That person, however, turned into a demon.

Next I remember driving on the road leading to my Grandma Hunter’s house,

highway 160 in Washington County.

There was a tornado to the left in the open field, it was dark,

but I could see it and it was running perpendicular to us

and was for sure going to encompass us.

I told who (I don't know who it was) was driving that they needed to speed up.

We sped up, but as the tornado got closer, I could hear it and

kept waiting for it to take our car out,

but it didn't. I remember seeing multiple tornadoes in the distance.

We were finished and now in a building that had survived the hit of the tornado.

I looked out the window to my right and saw two people standing amidst the rubble.

One was an old man (maybe Gandhi or God or Jesus?)

the other was Benjamin Netanyahu (yes, I knew it was him

and I can only imagine he represented Israel).

I turned and looked at the people who were there, not sure who they were,

and we got out of the building.

As we climbed out of the building, there were people

(I think it was my son, don’t know who anyone else was),

and we could see that other people were caught in debris

and being rescued. I had a sense

that I needed to climb the hill that was in front of me.

I started climbing and pushing the boy

I was with to the top about halfway up, water started to pour into the valley

and I could hear the screaming of people as they were drowning.

Fear swept over me as I need to get me and Brandon?

Higher to the top of the hill. We survived.

At this point, we were in rows of buildings

and huge tornadoes were coming at us…

as if the tornadoes

(I’ve been through one so this has something to do with it, I am sure)

were coming to destroy the rest of us. As the tornados approached,

I could hear the roaring wind,

and we started to sing a hymn, don’t remember what it was

or if it were one, but it seemed like a hymn,

nd I could feel the building lean as if it were going over.

It didn’t.

Finally, we were at the very top of this hill and not many people were there.

We were building something and a word was spoken, but done so incorrectly.

I said that’s not how you say it, and I said it was said “tertiary” and then spelled it.

I looked at a girl and said “that’s a word we need to remember,

write it down for when we start civilization again”.

It was me or someone else said maybe God wants a new beginning

and we shouldn’t write it down.

I looked up tertiary, it means third level or order and I found this with Wikipedia -The term Third Order signifies, in general, lay members of religious orders, who do not necessarily live in community and yet can claim to wear the habit and participate in the good works of some great order. Roman Catholicism, Lutheranism and Anglicanism all recognize Third Orders. They were a twelfth-century adaptation of the medieval monastic confraternities. Members of third orders, are known as tertiaries. In some cases, they may belong to a religious institute (a "congregation") that is called a "third order regular". 

I Googled it with Christianity and it used

and refers sometimes to the Third Heaven where God dwells.

We turned and looked and we saw the world crumbling.

The person said if God doesn’t want us to remember anything from the past,

we should put it in his hands and she let go of the card with the words.

It blew up and swirled around and then was caught in a tree…

at that point water started rising again on the hill

and then started pouring over the hill from the other side….

Then my wife’s alarm went off.

Cornerstone Hoops Podcast

Lots of interesting interviews with people you may know and people you may not know. 

We discuss basketball and/or other sports, and we touch on cornerstones they rely on in life.

Cornerstone Hoops Podcast

Peace and Unity or Power?

I have tried and tried to be more apolitical publicly the last few years. Apolitical meaning an apathy towards political affiliation because I want to be positive and not turn anyone away from The Gospel because they may not like who I support politically. 

Now, I have shied away from some social issues from abortion to sex trafficking to capital punishment which I am 100% against all three. Right now some of you are saying, "no, yes, yes" or "yes, yes, no" and that is fine. I try to be consistent, I am pro-life from conception to death. I do not believe anyone can outsin the cross and if we terminate their life before they accept Jesus, we are sending them to...well, not heaven. (Believe it or not, so many people within the faith community debate heaven and hell, their meanings, if they exist, etc.)

I have not agreed with every single President in my life and I sure have not since I came to faith and accepted Jesus, but I have prayed for each and every leader.

Bush 43...yes.

Obama...yes.

Trump...yes.

and now for President-elect Biden...yes.

I wanted peace, love and unity under each of these Presidents, not just when maybe one particular President was in power that I tended to agree more with.

So my question is an introspective question, but also for you who may be reading: Do you want peace and unity only when your person is in power, or do you want it no matter who is in power?

I guess a second question would be, why is that then?

Maybe it is because we do not really want peace and unity, we want power.

And only in that power can we have peace and unity within ourselves, and we forget that there are, in fact, great human beings that may not agree with every single thing that we do.

Yet, we vilify and make enemies of all that disagree with us, as we call for peace and unity.

I am writing this because it is so obvious after a political victory especially when one party has been out of power and then wins. 

It happened in 2016 and it is happening today.

I pray for peace and unity today, not because I want power, but because I want peace and unity.

Utopia vs. Reality Comparisons

We have a huge division in our country today and I am not sure anyone would disagree with that notion. 

It is not like we are not good at it because from sports teams to geographical rivals to politics, we seem to always be taking sides and arguing with those that are "against" us.

But I was listening or reading something not too long ago and I heard this point.

We have one side in today's divided country that compares everything to their utopian perfection, what they want us to be vs. those who do reality comparison - us vs. everyone else out there.

There are positives and negatives to both, but let's look at utopian comparison first.

The problem with wanting a utopia or perfection is it is never attainable.

Never.

We are constantly striving, fighting, protesting, rioting, or just angry because we never attain that utopia.

We cannot get to where we want to be.

It's both admirable and sad.

It's admirable because those people want better for themselves, for others, for the country.

It's sad, though, because if they never understand that utopia is unattainable, they will be eternally miserable.

Then there are those who do the reality comparison.

They see the country in comparison to other countries of the world.

The US is racist, compared to what?

The US is sexist, compared to what?

This reality comparison shows that the country is better than much of the rest of the world and we can be proud of that fact.

Reality comparison is both admirable and scary.

It is admirable because if you have traveled or done any type of research, there are reasons why thousands of people are willing to risk their lives to come to our country.

And because of that, we seem to be a pretty good country compared to the rest of the world.

It's scary, though, because if we play this game all of the time, then we do not improve, become better.

So we have these two competing sides and most of us are stuck in the middle attempting to live our lives as happily as possible.

As divided as it seems, however, we need both of these ideals in our country to show appreciation for what we have/are and what we need to continue progressing to be even better.

But we do not want to cooperate - cooperation too often equates with losing in today's world.

We want to come out swinging and then retreat to our corner surrounded by like minded believers only to come out swinging again.

Maybe that is the way forward.

But it just seems so...barbaric, uncooperative and well...divisive.

That's My King! by S.M. Lockridge

"The Bible says my King is a seven-way king.. 

He's the King of the Jews; that's a racial king.. 

He's the King of Israel; that's a national King.. 

He's the King of Righteousness. 

He's the King of the Ages.. 

He's the King of Heaven. 

He's the King of Glory. 

He's the King of Kings, and He's the Lord of Lords. 

That's my King. Well I wonder, do you know Him?

David said, "The Heavens declare the glory of God and the firmament shows His handiwork. 

My King is a sovereign King. 

No means of measure can define His limitless love. 

No far seeing telescope can bring into visibility the coastline of His shoreless supply. 

No barrier can hinder Him from pouring out His blessings. 

He's enduringly strong. 

He's entirely sincere. 

He's eternally steadfast. 

He's immortally graceful. 

He's imperially powerful. 

He's impartially merciful. 

Do you know Him? 

He's the greatest phenomenon that ever crossed the horizon of this world. 

He's God's Son. 

He's a sinner's Savior.. 

He's the centerpiece of civilization. 

He stands in the solitude of Himself. 

He's awesome. 

He's unique. 

He's unparalleled. 

He's unprecedented. 

He's the loftiest idea in literature. 

He's the highest personality in philosophy. 

He's the supreme problem in higher criticism. 

He's the fundamental doctrine of true theology. 

He's the cardinal necessity of spiritual religion.

He's the miracle of the age. 

He's the superlative of everything good that you choose to call Him.

 

He's the only one qualified to be an all sufficient Savior I wonder if you know Him today? 

He supplies strength for the weak. 

He's available for the tempted and the tried. 

He sympathizes and He saves. 

He strengthens and sustains. 

He guards and He guides. 

He heals the sick. 

He cleanses lepers. 

He forgives sinners. 

He discharges debtors. 

He delivers captives. 

He defends the feeble. 

He blesses the young.

He serves the unfortunate. 

He regards the aged. 

He rewards the diligent. 

And He beautifies the meek. 

I wonder if you know Him? 

Well, my King is the King. 

He's the key to knowledge. 

He's the wellspring to wisdom. 

He's the doorway of deliverance.

He's the pathway of peace. 

He's the roadway of righteousness . 

He's the highway of holiness. 

He's the gateway of glory 

Do you know Him? 

Well. His office is manifold. 

His promise is sure. 

His light is matchless. 

His goodness is limitless. 

His mercy is everlasting. 

His love never changes. 

His Word is enough. 

His grace is sufficient. 

His reign is righteous. 

And His yoke is easy, and his burden is light.

 

I wish I could describe Him to you, 

but He's indescribable. 

He's incomprehensible. 

He's invincible. 

He's irresistible. 

Well, You can't get Him out of your mind. 

You can't get Him off of your hand. 

You can't out live Him, 

And you can't live without Him. 

The Pharisees couldn't stand Him, but they found out they couldn't stop Him. 

Pilate couldn't find any fault in Him. 

The witnesses couldn't get their testimonies to agree. 

Herod couldn't kill Him. 

Death couldn't handle Him, 

And the grave couldn't hold Him. 

Yea!, that's my King, that's my King. 

Father."Yours is the Kingdom.and the Power.and the Glory.Forever".and ever, and ever, and ever and ever. How long is that? 

And when you get through with all the forevers, then.AMEN and AMEN!

We Are Getting Closer!

Many who read this may already know that I have started a 501 (c) (3), Cornerstone Hoops.

I want to use basketball to give young people hope and I want to give others the opportunity to be blessings for these children also.

If all goes as planned, I will have my tax exempt number in December and then we will really get rolling.

I have a website, I have some social media stuff out there and I have started a podcast as well as this blog which has been around for about a decade now.

My desire is to give young people hope and teach them some skills of basketball.

I want them to have fun when with us and I want to be able to donate shoes, clothes, food, anything that a specific community may need.

I already have contacts in Minot, North Dakota; Baton Rouge, Louisiana; Athens, Georgia; Louisville, Kentucky; Bangladesh; Pakistan; Israel and Palestine of people who are interested in having us show up and do our thing.

I ask for prayer first and foremost. 

I also ask for volunteers. My hope is that through donations, I can help to pay for volunteers to help so not much comes out of your pocket.

And I ask for you to consider joining with us financially so that we can do more to love everybody, always using the great game of basketball.

I want everyone who is considering financially supporting us, that I do many odd jobs to help fund myself already and will continue to do so as we move forward.

Please feel free to contact me at phunter@scsc.school or 502.445.6311 if you would like more info or would like to partner up.

So Which is it? I am Confused

I have been teaching in a jr. or sr. high school for almost 22 years now.

When I first started teaching, we hammered the students that they needed to go to college to increase their possibilities of success.

So we got a glut of students in college increasing their knowledge and maybe influencing their thought processes along the way. Those college educated people got jobs in cities and live their lives just fine.

In the last 10 years or so, we have really hammered that college isn't for everyone and that they don't have to go to college to be successful. They can go to a trade school, start a business, but that there are more options and don't feel badly if you do not attend college.

So the amount of students not attending a four year college has gone down some, and those people usually live where the jobs are, in rural, less populated areas.

Now we are seeing an ever increasing political divide.

Many think it's Democrat and Republican, but if you look at an electoral map, it's urban vs. rural.

Urban people tend to be more college educated, more "poor" minorities tend to live there and both groups tend to vote Democrat.

Rural areas tend to not have as many college educated people living there and the "poor" there often are white.

If you follow social media, which is one of my weaknesses, I see a growing anti-rural or anti-urban sentiment.

Those who live in the rural areas believe that the urban people are elite snobs and those in urban areas believe the rural people are hick racists.

It's my opinion that these feelings are being driven by having so much information at our fingertips.

How much would we actually know if we did not have 24/7 coverage on the news and social media running continuously?

But we do, so what do we do with it?

Do we guide students into college again so they can be properly educated and indoctrinated on the left politically way of thinking? 

Or do we continue to send kids where they will be successful even if it means a two year degree and living in a rural area and indoctrinated on the right political way of thinking?

Or we could look at the millions and millions of people who vote for each side and not generalize that they're all elitists or they're all racists.

All that does is further the divide between the two groups, and I am sorry to say, it's the only thing I see anymore.

My fear is that we will all continue to move to the far left and to the far right stretching the middle until there is nothing left remaining. Blinded by inability to see past our own belief systems. Blinded that what we may define something as may be defined differently by someone else. And our middle will stretch so thin that we all fall down on top of each other ruining the great thing we have here in the USA, and that's a life that's better than many, many places in the world.

But what do I know?

Jon Parsons

 Jon Parsons...I hope I spell his name correctly because he's important. (It is, I found him on Linkedin)

Not because he introduced himself to me Saturday night at the volleyball regional in Corydon.

Not because he told me he remembered when I was the head coach at Henryville and he was a student at Lanesville.

Not because he said he's followed my blog and twitter since waaaay back.

But because he's a high school athletic trainer who helps student-athletes when they are injured or hurt.

But because after our 15 minutes conversation I can tell he's someone who obviously has grown and continues to change for the better.

And because he's willing to volunteer to reach out of his comfort zone to help others.

And finally, because he made me feel good about myself and helped me to understand that we can all have an effect on someone even if we don't understand at the moment, or if we don't even know them.

Thanks John for all you do.

Faith is...

Fear is...

Doubt, the unknown, past disappointment, trusting the intelligence of others, not wanting to take risks, unrealistic expectations, frustration, not being in control of every situation, anxiety, depression...

Hope is...

Being able to function within the parameters of fear, and understanding and being okay with not being in control because there is something greater at work.

Sadness and anger are...

When fear takes over and you cannot think clearly or rationally.

Joy is...

To be relatively content in all things.

We are all fearful, but it is how we deal with it tells us a lot about ourselves.

Do you continue on with a decently positive attitude, or do you bring down not only yourself, but those around you.

Love is Truth

"What is truth?" retorted Pilate. John 18:38

When it comes to this world, the Internet, political and social division, etc, etc I am not sure I know what is "the truth" anymore.

For every single issue you can find an article with an expert who knows "the truth" and I believe it. I mean this person is an expert and they are citing official documents.

Then I find someone on the other side of the issue.

In fact, it happens on almost a daily basis, and sometimes hourly.

I feel that I am educated and up on what is going on at any given moment, but even I wonder if I know what truth is anymore.

And there are so many people who are so secure in "the truth" and are unwilling to even listen to an opposing viewpoint. And if they do, they're quick to point out why you're wrong because they have data, they know the intent, they are smarter than you, you're the one being misled.

We have in our pockets the history of the known world and every detail and opinion ever written, it seems, yet we continue to become less..."smart". 

Me included.

Social media is so powerful in allowing us to keep up with friends from way back, for sharing out thoughts, and possibly becoming more informed and making money from it.

But it also allows a platform for the uneducated and even the good intentioned to be wrong, ridiculed and "canceled".

What is truth?

I'm not sure anymore other than what I can see.

Truth is the love I have for my wife and kids, and how I feel about my co-workers and students.

Truth is the feeling I have towards real people who interact in my real life.

And truth is my faith in Jesus Christ.

And even that truth has more denominations and interpretations that I care to write about here.

It's sad and depressing, yet I have hope.

My hope is in Jesus, not in a person, not in a self-help book, not in a philosophy, not in a politician, but in Jesus.

The rest of you people can argue about what you want, but if I'm going to be wrong, I'm going to try to love as Jesus said to do.

What's Wrong With Us?

We all need Jesus!

No kidding, it would make for a much better world and some day, he's coming back, but until then what exactly is wrong with us?

The hostility, the division, the anger, the smirks, and rude behavior seems to surround us everywhere we go, even online...especially online.

I have a theory and I am sure many people will disagree, but I remember when social media started to take off in around 2008-2009...somewhere in there. People, especially younger people, would post their emotions online and if you confronted them face to face they got embarrassed and removed that post. It was because that was not who they really were, maybe it was, but it was not how they wanted to be seen in "public".

Somewhere along the line, people stopped being embarrassed by things they posted online and became defiant. "It's my page and I can post what I want, if you don't like it unfollow me" or something along these lines. It was a weird transition, but people started to remove the veil of being a "nice" person. I guess it made/makes us more authentic, it's who we really are or can be, but it is it good for society? It seems to be in everything we do from politics to mask wearing during a global pandemic for gosh sakes.

My point is that the hostility, division, anger, etc has now moved from online into the real world. We've forgotten how to act with decency, even if it were a phony decency, but it seemed we got along better.

Who knows?

Maybe I am just aging and wishing life were like the "good old days" before the Internet, social media and cars (just kidding), or have we descended into an abyss that cannot be fought out of, but fought inside and that does not help anything.

It just rewards the meanest, best fighter...for the moment until someone meaner and better comes along.

 

Well, well, well

(Where the Ohio and Mississippi Rivers converge)

Been awhile since I have put anything down here and I forget how much I like to get my thoughts down in front of me.

I have so many things I want to write about and say, but then I sit in front of the keyboard and overwhelmed to the point of being frozen.

What do I write about?

Pandemic?

School?

Sports?

The closed mindedness of how people think they know and are unwilling to actually listen?

Social media complainers?

Protests?

Trump?

Biden?

Aaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahhhhhh...it is what it is. 

We must struggle through to the other end because this will not last forever. 

None of it.

And we will either win or learn...period.

Take care.

Don't Be That Guy

The other day a dad, that guy, yelled at his son during a basketball game. He clearly needed to be embarrassed to do what he wanted him to do. Because it is all about him being better right then, right there even if he does not want it.

Later that game, this man, that guy, got frustrated with the coach. You know, the person who is taking time from his family to teach the game to his child, the person who knows much about the game and is willing to do anything to help his child.

Later that night, that guy was so outraged he posted something on social media, unlike others who do regularly. He felt he needed to "get this off his chest", and release some of his hurt. And if he did post, there would be many people who would like his quote and maybe even comment how they agree making remarks about a situation that they know nothing about.

The next day that guy let the coach have it face to face because it made the situation better for his child and that is all he wants is for his child to get a fair shake. And right now...it just is not happening.

That guy got a little group of parents together who agreed with him or at least would not disagree with him and started to create division on the team because his son was not being treated fairly. Does the coach not know how much he shoots at home? And that AAU team that never wins, but his son scores a lot especially when the game is over and nobody is playing defense anymore.

I mean, that guy will cuss and swear about the coach behind his back, but smile and pat him on the back in person.

That guy is a likeable person, so his opinion has to have some validity because he's a great guy that guy is.

And then when that guy's son graduates, he will tell stories for years about how his son was mistreated and never have anything to do with the program again. He cared so much for four years, but then silence.

Don't be that guy...or that girl.

The Spring of Our Discontent

The coronavirus, COVID-19, or whatever you want to call this global pandemic we are dealing with, well it sucks for lack of a better word. I am sure many of you are reading this and agreeing, and if you do not, good for you.

The MLB, NCAA, NBA, IHSAA and every other lettered sports organization has gone dormant, silent. Selfishly, I am not happy because I enjoy watching these things, but when I think about the amount of people who put so much time and effort into these sports, I cannot help but feel discontented.

Throw in the fact that many people make livelihoods off these sports from restaurants, to hotels, to gas stations, to the people working at the games, and you cannot but feel sad and helpless for them.

Now these are all just side effects of an overall virus that is sickening and killing people at an alarming rate. Sure, the flu kills more people than this...so far, but we are only three months into this and the numbers double every few days. What started in China and has exploded in Iran, Italy and now Spain is heading our way if we do not act quickly and severely.

It will be painful, it is painful, but we can get past this if everyone understands that we are in this together. I may be carrying the virus, but not feeling symptomatic and I could pass this on to someone who can not fight it off as well or at all. Even as I write this and I think about sending it out into the world, I know I am going to be attacked for fanning the flames, spreading panic, but a friend of mine, Kirt Page, put it into great words the other day: "We too often mistake precaution with panic."

What if we are wrong and we are over reacting? Sure the economy is going to be hurt big time by this, but once we are virus free it will rebound quickly and strongly I have no doubt.

What if we are right? Well, we may never be able to prove it if a quarantine works, but if it does not, at least we tried something.

It is terrible, depressing, and sad because so many of our lives have been affected by this from social distancing, the loss of our beloved sports, to economically.

But what has it done for us?

We have slowed down.

We have spent more time with our families.

We are finding other things to do with our time.

And hopefully, as the world has slowed down, we are seeing what truly matters in this world...our family and friends' health and toilet paper.

“The LORD has established His throne in the heavens, And His sovereignty rules over all.”
Psalm 103:19

The Conundrum(s) of LIfe

I know many of you understand what "conundrum" means, but here is the definition from Google: Noun; a confusing and difficult problem or question. So, basically every belief, decision or idea of my entire life revolves around conundrums.

I struggle every day with standing for something, yet living by what I believe. Every...single...day.
The good news is that I usually do not have to make any serious decisions based on my difficult questions. Part of it is because they do not affect my every day life in standing for something and then there is the whole putting it out there and running the risk of pop societal stigmatization. By even typing those words many people will make many assumptions, so be it.

I am torn between loving everyone and showing compassion for them no matter who they are or what they do or have done, and accountability. How do I show love and compassion to those around me without it seeming that I have given the "okay" for their behavior? How do I accept that not everything will not go my way in this competition called life and fighting every day for what I want and need?

I have often thought it would be so easy to be a religious leader in this world after I retire from my teaching/coaching jobs. It might just be easier to be that leader if I decided to build a camp in the woods by myself staying away from all worldly desires and definitions of "wrong and right".

But that is not the way to be, in my belief. I feel called to be where I am and to struggle and fail with my faith. Because it is in those realizations of failure that I learn of my shortcomings and where I need to grow.

I have tried to have fewer public opinions, I know that sounds weird since I am writing this for it to be shown publicly, I have tried to not as many little things bother me, but I have found that in those times of silence and contentment, I have "snapped" more. If I feel that I am being pushed or disrespected, I stand up more verbally than I ever have before, and often, it is not necessary. Call it my previous low self-esteem from my youth, or my struggle with doing the right thing, but I have felt recently that I need to stand up for myself and too often it comes off as disrespectful.

But is it?

Even Jesus turned over a few tables.

So in writing this, I am not sure I have come up with an answer to my conundrum, but I rarely do.

I just struggle along attempting to live my life in a way that others find commendable only in that they will understand that it is my faith in Christ that has made me that way.

And guess what? I realize that others will be turned away because of my decisions, my beliefs because it all seems so simple to them.

And believing that could be a larger problem than what I have.

I Understand Now

Too many times, I have read where someone famous, or not so famous, has committed suicide, but they seemed so outwardly happy.

They are described as happy-go-luck, always the life of the party, or many other ways in describing someone who should not have done what they did...take their own life.

Recently, I understood.

I have had issues with mental health since at least 8th grade, but never really dealt with it until my early 40's. I have explained that when you have a panic attack when you are young, you can shrug it off. You have one in your 40's and you think you're having a heart attack, and it becomes a little more important to deal with.

Just the other day, I entered into one of my down times, and I finally understood how someone who looks happy on the outside can feel empty on the inside, because I did it.

I was tired, but there seemed as if something "alive" was missing inside of me. It was a hollow feeling that only I could feel or share if I chose to, but even then most people do not know what to do with that information.

Yet, I smiled on the outside.

I joked on the outside.

I tried to be a good friend/coach/husband/father...on the outside.

But inside, something was missing and I received no joy out of even breathing. And when I get that way, everything seems like a put down, everything feels like a slight, I do not want to be friendly to even my closest friends and everything seems disrespectful even if an issue were to go my way.

It is just how I feel.

Within a couple of days, I came out of it. I read my Bible, got into my books, listened to music and reminded myself over and over how good my life is, but I can only imagine.

I can only imagine what it must be like to live that way for an extended period of time.

I often say that depression is not wanting to live, but scared to death you're going to die and I would never do something that would put my issues onto my friends and family especially those pictured above....

But I understand.

If you're reading this and you feel the way I have described, reach out to someone.

Reach out to your family doctor, a counselor, a pastor, a friend, a loved one, but do not let yourself spiral down until you feel the only option is suicide because it is not.

You are dearly loved, and so many people would be devastated if you were gone.