I know many of you understand what "conundrum" means, but here is the definition from Google: Noun; a confusing and difficult problem or question. So, basically every belief, decision or idea of my entire life revolves around conundrums.
I struggle every day with standing for something, yet living by what I believe. Every...single...day.
The good news is that I usually do not have to make any serious decisions based on my difficult questions. Part of it is because they do not affect my every day life in standing for something and then there is the whole putting it out there and running the risk of pop societal stigmatization. By even typing those words many people will make many assumptions, so be it.
I am torn between loving everyone and showing compassion for them no matter who they are or what they do or have done, and accountability. How do I show love and compassion to those around me without it seeming that I have given the "okay" for their behavior? How do I accept that not everything will not go my way in this competition called life and fighting every day for what I want and need?
I have often thought it would be so easy to be a religious leader in this world after I retire from my teaching/coaching jobs. It might just be easier to be that leader if I decided to build a camp in the woods by myself staying away from all worldly desires and definitions of "wrong and right".
But that is not the way to be, in my belief. I feel called to be where I am and to struggle and fail with my faith. Because it is in those realizations of failure that I learn of my shortcomings and where I need to grow.
I have tried to have fewer public opinions, I know that sounds weird since I am writing this for it to be shown publicly, I have tried to not as many little things bother me, but I have found that in those times of silence and contentment, I have "snapped" more. If I feel that I am being pushed or disrespected, I stand up more verbally than I ever have before, and often, it is not necessary. Call it my previous low self-esteem from my youth, or my struggle with doing the right thing, but I have felt recently that I need to stand up for myself and too often it comes off as disrespectful.
But is it?
Even Jesus turned over a few tables.
So in writing this, I am not sure I have come up with an answer to my conundrum, but I rarely do.
I just struggle along attempting to live my life in a way that others find commendable only in that they will understand that it is my faith in Christ that has made me that way.
And guess what? I realize that others will be turned away because of my decisions, my beliefs because it all seems so simple to them.
And believing that could be a larger problem than what I have.
