Look, I cannot begin to understand what kind of psychological trauma each person is going through. For some, it's obvious, we can see it, for others they do a great job of burying it so they can hide. But I'd be willing to guess everyone is going through something, something that could be very hard. I guess, I can only guess because I do both. I often make it obvious, too often with my own family, but I also bury it deep down inside to try and put on a good front for "the world".
I know the deep dark secrets of my life and the less than perfectly glamorous family life we lead and then see the pictures of me online with the smile, that my students look to me for help and I am wandering more aimless than they are most times. I see the fraud I am through the eyes of people who look to me for help. Worse yet, I see the fraud I am through their eyes and what my own children see too often.
I've been struggling lately. My mother in law and sister in law have dealt with health issues, my wife is being strong for them and I am hoping I am helping. My son is a 13 year old boy who I can be too rough on and my daughter is dealing with the pressures of life. And because I cannot control everything for them, I get too frustrated, too angry, and to...uh...unhelpful in trying to teach life lessons. I've often said that we will all screw up our children, I just hope I don't screw mine up too much.
Life is hard, life is not perfect...I am not perfect and I fail too often. I am looked up to with the eyes of people who think I have it together and I am too often floundering either not living up to someone I love's expectations or even to my own minimum expectations. I then enter the valley of depression because of it and as I start to work my way out of how I feel that I've let others down, I climb to the top of feeling good about what I'm doing and then I cannot control myself as someone shoves me off the cliff to fall flat into the depths of helplessness.
I wonder what others do who invest their whole lives in themselves. They choose not to believe in anything higher than themselves because when I am at my worst is when I really remember that my hope doesn't come from me, or my behavior, or anything or anyone in this world....it comes from God.
So where am I now? I am climbing trying to be a good husband and father, both I would give failing grades recently to my behavior. My self-awareness in this pains me in how far I can fall and how bad I can be as a dad. It weighs on me heavily and affects most everything about my life including my health. So I write this to get it off my chest
