relationships

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29 years coaching experience/ 7 years as a varsity boys' basketball coach, now assisting

Monday, November 10, 2014

Alone and Thinking


I am 45 years old and I have a 10 year old daughter and a 6 year old son. I guess with all of the great things that are being done for sick children (from playing college basketball to NFL football), my own mortality has come into my thoughts. I have been called Mr. Worst Case Scenario and I do often think of all the negatives that could occur on any given issue, so some may tell me to calm down. But it hit me this weekend that I only have a a little time left with my children.

Sure, we are talking 25-35 years, but to me that seems so little when you think that I am 45. I remember when 15 years from now was going to be cool, now it gets me to 60. My son, if I stay relatively healthy, will be younger than I am now when I die. My daughter will be older, but she will be young also. So now I don't want to be away from them, I want them close. How can I ever be selfish enough to be away from them? Time that I won't get back. Yet, I cannot smother them with me, I have to give them space and I have many things to do and other responsibilities.

But as I thought about it, why am I worrying so much about 30 years from now? I could die today, I mean, none of us know when our time will come so why worry so much about it now. Enjoy the time you have, enjoy and teach them each day because the end will come. It might be when you are 80 years old, or it might happen today.

I have always suffered from anxiety, I think everyone does, but it has never kept me from doing things. There are times I want to stay in my house and not go out, but I refuse to allow my anxiety to cripple me. It has worsened since the tornado of 2012 that I went through, but I have also become more aware of my anxiety and its effects. The thoughts above are part of my life, the quiet time when I have nothing else going on. The thoughts that enter me into minor depression, but I am intelligent enough to understand that I cannot control it, but I can make the most of it.

Mr. Worst Case Scenario? Yep, I apologize for those that I am around when I come off negative because I know it can be annoying. But try to understand that I understand I am that way and am working on it, and trying to make it a funny thing and not something that leads to depression.


By the way, I have an unbelievably wonderful wife. A woman sent by God to lead me to Him and to help me in this life. We have been through a lot and she has the patience of a saint with me.