I don't know what it was about me when I was a kid, but I have always looked for approval. Low self-esteem, insecurity, etc; I don't know. I don't remember being that way until around 6th or 7th grade when I started to go through changes as an adolescent boy. Always wanting to be accepted, loved, revered were things that I needed and was willing to sorta sell my soul for it.
Then around my late teens and early 20's, I realized that no matter what I did, you weren't going to get everyone's "love". Then I started coaching and you have to develop a thick skin because sometimes the only person who loves you might be the person looking back in the mirror. But that lack of confidence, in some ways, was still there and as I grew in my faith, I decided I didn't want to deal with the negativity anymore. And I resigned.
Then the tornado hit and I tried so hard to do the right thing for everyone while dealing with my own "stuff" from it. And what I realized was that those ideas of wanting to be accepted, loved, and revered were back with intensity. I have worried so much of the perception of me in the public because not everyone knows me and if they hear something negative, maybe they would believe it and I don't like that.
But here in the last week or so, there have been a few situations that have arisen in which I have been innocent and yet there are negative ideas, comments, or whatever about me out there. And last night, it hit me...enough. I cannot control everything said or thought about me, so I am done worrying about it as much. Some of the walls will go back up and some of the arrogance will return. Even though I am a follower of Christ, I will always fall short and will continue to try to grow, but some of you...I am not letting you bother me anymore. Enough.
