The Weight a Teacher Wears

I stand in front of a class of 25+ students four times a day, I lecture and educate them on Psychology, Sociology, Government and Economics.

But I do more than that and it's the most important thing I can do, more than that teaching stuff.

I can show them I love them.

I do not know if you can ever be surprised by some of the stories you hear of former and current students. I try not to believe much about current students, because you are just getting into the rumor/gossip issues that can lead to hurting a student.

But as teachers, we hear things, and we can still love our students despite what they may have done. Really...how many of us have a squeaky clean past? Yea, I thought so.

But forget the things that the students do to themselves, but what is done to them. It is sad and scary and it is amazing that they can come to your class and function as a human being at all considering what has happened to them.

Yet, we too often forget these things and treat them as if they are being fed properly, told to clean themselves, get to bed and study so they can be ready to learn from us again.

I can tell you that if I did not have a supportive wife, I would be a mess many days and yet we expect children from 5-18 years of age who do not have proper guidance to act the way that us educated, supported people do.

Former students...I see the pain and agony you go through. I see the turning from your values because of money. I see how much hurt you are enduring and it affects me, it affects many of your past teachers who truly loved you as a young person, growing, and learning.

It tears us apart when we see you arrested, or beaten, or divorced, or addicted.

It upsets us when you are upset because something in life has not gone the way you wanted.

I have taught for many years and I thoroughly enjoy hearing what former students are doing as adults. I enjoy meeting their spouses and their children and laughing as they have learned things the hard way we tried to teach them and they share their stories of ups and downs.

As the state of Indiana puts more and more expectations on us as teachers, I will do what I am supposed to do to keep my job, but through my experiences, tests and grades mean very little with the time I have a student in class. There are bigger issues at work.

Do they enjoy my class? I realize some things are inherent in learning and joy is not often felt. But do kids when then are heading to my class, are they feeling revulsion or acceptance?

Do they know that I care? You would not believe some of the things kids share with teachers. From very personal issues to the extremely trivial, we have to let them know we care either way.

I have been doing this for 21 years and I have changed so much. In some ways for the good and many would argue in other ways for the bad.

But when I finish teaching or when students look back on me as a teacher, I could care less if they remember anything I taught (but it sure would be nice), but I hope they know that I enjoyed my job, I love my family, I enjoy having them in class, and I love them as human beings and would do very much to help them.

Not just today, but for the rest of my life.

That is the weight a teacher wears.

Aruba

No One is to Blame for Me, but Me

Let me preface this article by saying no one is to blame for me, but me.

I am insecure, not as bad as I used to be, but I am.

My feelings can get hurt too easily and I over think absolutely everything.

Why? I have put a lot of thought into it as I have aged, but here is what I have come up with.

My dad is one of the greatest men I have ever known, he is one of the most selfless people I have ever known, but I missed out on something growing up.

Again, no one is to blame, but me, but I can remember wanting to hear my dad tell me I was great, I wanted to hear compliments, but I do not remember getting them that often. My mom and other people would do it, but it never seemed to have the same reinforcement than if my dad did it.

Now I want anyone reading this to understand that my dad was a loving person to me, my sister and my mom. I learned many, many lessons on how to be a great father from him. He never drank alcohol and always gave of his time for me and my sister, but I just do not remember being told good job.

No one is to blame, but me in needing the words when I was almost overwhelmed with love by him through his actions.

Why did I need that affirmation from him? No idea. But it drove me to be successful in athletics just trying to get him to acknowledge it, but he didn't by word, but I got more than enough hugs from him.

Maybe it is become my dad didn't play sports and didn't understand what I was doing...?

I blame my grandfather who was a violent alcoholic towards my grandmother and his children, a grandfather who in his later life was very much loving to me, but was not to my dad. Because of that my dad spent much of his 20's and 30's when I was little, attempting to heal from his childhood. Considering what my dad endured, he was awesome...but I needed that verbal reinforcement.

No one is to blame, but me on how I feel about growing up.

Because of my immaturity, my lack of self-esteem, I do not know why, but I needed to hear those words..."I'm proud of you".

As an adult, my dad has used those words quite often. He's told me he's proud of me as a husband, father, and teacher/coach. You can see how proud he is of me when he tells me now and it feels good to hear, but there is this gnawing feeling I have carried into adulthood trying to please, not just him, but it has carried over now to my wife, my bosses, and other people that I care about.

My lack of self-esteem came about 7th grade when I went from being the cute elementary kid morphing into a young man with acne. The acne didn't affect me, but how people saw, treated and said things to me did.

Kids can be cruel, and even the slightest comment hurt deeply.

But, I was good at sports and that helped and my first love helped knowing that a girl in high school cared enough about me to over look the exterior because she saw my inside.

But it brought doubts.

It is crazy that I still long for verbal appreciation, it feels good to hear my wife say "you worked your butt off" for us to go on a trip, it feels good to hear any of my bosses or fellow workers acknowledge things I have done extra, and it feels good to be recognized.

But anymore, I feel less like I need it, and I will, in fact, try to deflect it. I have become that person that longs for the verbal appreciation, but then plays the humble person pretending that I do not need to hear it.

The mind is such a complex thing isn't it?

As I have aged and become wiser and grown in my faith, I have learned it is not about me in my actions in trying to be successful. My perceived slights are about me, but my actions to do what is right should never be about me.

I try to live each day doing for others and if they acknowledge it, so be it, if they do not, well I need to get over myself because that is not why I should be helping.

My expectation should not be loyalty or appreciation, my expectation should be am I glorifying God and being consistent in my belief system and if I am, that is all I need.

But it still hurts when I see friends getting together and no one asked me.

It still hurts when you feel that you have done a lot for someone and they do not reciprocate.

It still hurts when you have shown loyalty that few have, and yet you are overlooked, not seen and on the most shallow level feel disrespected.

But the battle I wage is my own, it is not my dad's fault, it is not my mom's fault, it is not my wife's fault, it is not my kids or superiors fault, it is mine.

I for too long have cared what others think and I know I have put up walls and it has made me come off as a jerk sometimes and maybe that is part of why I am left out.

If you put up the walls and keep everyone at arms length, you will not get hurt, but you will also be treated as if you do not want to be involved.

So I am writing to get some of these thoughts off my chest, to put them out there for me to feel better.

Maybe it will make you feel better too.

Maybe not.

Just know if you are struggling with these types of feelings, you're not alone and quit blaming others for what you can control in how you feel and what has "happened" to you.

It's not their fault.

It is you and your lack of completely understanding that you are enough, that you should help without expecting reciprocation and if you show loyalty, do not expect anything in return.

That is hard...real hard, but you should be attempting to help others not because it will gain you anything, but you should help others and do good deeds because it is the right thing to do.

But what do I know?

I'm almost 50 and still over thinking too much.

Perspective Riding Along I-65

Social media is too often used for negative purposes.

People get angry or upset and grab their phone and without thinking type out something that probably is not needed for all to see.

There are the political and other posts that are snide and one sentence attempting to make one side of an issue look as ignorant as possible through memes and other ways to make us look dumb.

But there are good ways it can be used and I hope I have done that more often than not.

And that is by reading about the lives of those around us and what they have gone through.

Reading about Calla Davis to Megan Ekart most recently to keeping up with Aiden Johnson and Spencer Emily and Ayden Billingsley and Iliad Mullins and many other situations in which young people have been injured or seriously ill can be humbling.

It should be humbling.

It should help us to remember that most of the things we watch on the news or read on social media are so insignificant, yet we let them stress us, age us.

Reading about those above and many others who have gone through real struggle, real life and death experiences, and too often the families dealing with the death of someone should help us to lead a more humble life with proper perspective.

I have often said if you want to know what is important in life, you want to know how we should all live, spend some time with someone who is dying. Suddenly, many issues mean zilch.

If you cannot allow that to give you proper perspective then travel internationally and I am not talking about driving through poor places on the way to a resort.

I am talking about living and breathing and eating inside some of the largest slums of Africa, South American and Asia.

I am talking about watching the amount of government corruption that exists in some countries that when you are pulled over by law enforcement the expectation is to bribe them to be on your way.

I am talking about understanding that this country is not perfect, never has and never will be, but there is a reason why millions are willing to risk everything to make it here.

But we do not keep proper perspective and sometimes we really lose it over nothing.

The other day my wife and I were watching the Northside Christian service where Pastor Nate Ross was helping the congregation deal with the passing of a little girl, Calla Woods, whose father is also a Pastor at Northside.

My wife and I shed tears, sang along and worshiped in that car on I-65 heading home from Destin, Florida and were moved by Nate's words and the presence of the Woods family at the service.

Then we pulled off the interstate to grab some food at the local Burger King.

They were busy, they were behind and one family of two in their 50's or 60's were not happy that they had not received their food yet.

It had been a whole ten minutes and they...were...not...having it.

I was standing there and just had watched the Northside service and I watched a man rip a bag of fast food from a young woman who is doing the best she can because he did not get his food fast enough.

It was hard to watch and say nothing.

But as my order came up, much later, instead of confronting that couple about how ridiculous their behavior was, I smiled and said "thank you" to the woman behind the counter who was apologizing for the time.

I am not perfect.

I have been humbled and I have traveled, but even I still forget how blessed I am.

And it is usually taken out on the people I love the most, or some stranger who is just trying to survive the moment so she can pay the bills.

If you are reading this or know of any of the stories I mentioned or have traveled to poor countries and you are not changed, then you have a real soul problem.

But we are not perfect and we will slip and forget sometimes, but realize, apologize and try to be better in the future.

That is all we can do.

Take care and God Bless.

2019 4th and 5th grade camp in the books

SCHS 2nd-3rd Grade Camp 2019 in the Books