I Am Selfish

Coach Don Meyer has said that the best way to say thank you to a mentor is to serve others. I couldn't agree with that more. I have tried for many years to push the "me" out of what I do. For so long, I did stuff because it either made me feel good or it made me look good. It still happens, but I have tried to make it less and less about me.

I think growing in my faith has helped, as well as my wife and children. I want to help others be successful.

But, every once in awhile the selfish part of me rears its ugly head. Probably more than it should....definitely more than it should.

Since I have become the head coach at HHS, I have spent hundreds if not thousands of my own money on improving our program and helping our players. I have spent much time counseling players on personal issues, often things I probably don't need to know. From issues with girlfriends to home lives, I have heard much.

The 16 hours I worked one day during Thanksgiving Break and the three days I worked many hours can never replace the time of being with my family. Running intramurals on a Saturday morning, practicing for 2 hours Saturday afternoon, driving an hour away to get a game tape, then heading to scout a game....all by myself and not seeing my family can never be replaced.

The stress and pressure of trying to be fair to every kid when it comes to playing time, discipline, getting them involved, counseling, and about every other way and trying to win games is something that can not always be enjoyable. Especially when I get home and have to kiss my own children good night when they are asleep.

I am not writing this to whine, or complain. I am writing this for perspective...for me. I know I fail, probably daily on trying to do what is right for every single kid in the program. Doing that is all I can do.

In the Grand Scheme of Things

I try to be a self aware person. Always thinking and thinking about my thinking, yea, it is more complicated to explain than it actually is; I am a simple kinda guy. But one of the things I have found as I have gotten older is what does anything mean in the grand scheme of things.

Basketball...I/we put so much time into it that it is bound to hurt when the success, as defined by the world, doesn't come or come quickly. You are bound to grow frustrated, angry, and have feelings of doubt.

I told my wife last night that I feel the last two years, I have taken too long to find my balance on the season. Last year, we had a returning group of guys and I may have been too laid back. I enjoyed everything about the young season except for a couple of losses, that to be honest, were going to happen unless we played much better, earlier than I thought we could.

And this year, we had few guys back (only one starter), and I may have been too hard on them. Practice was not fun, and the games have not always been fun. In our 2 wins, we played just bad enough to keep games close and in our 3 losses, well, they haven't been close.

So what does it all mean in the grand scheme of things. Probably that I am not a very good coach and that I am struggling to find what this years team will be. I am probably worrying too much about how it will make me look which is entirely an incorrect feeling.

I can say this if the guys will work hard like they have in 10 of our 20 practices and 2 of our 5 games, then I will enjoy the year...win or lose. If they don't compete and strive to improve, I am afraid that I will lose my perspective on the importance of what I do.

All too often, however, something happens to smack your face and get your attention. Whether it be an illness, or a death. Recently, a former HHS student was found dead. This mother of two, both sons below the age of 2, will no longer be around to be a mom to her sons. Those sons will grow up never really knowing their mother.

Kinda makes you feel stupid for getting so upset about turnovers or shooting percentage. But that's what they pay me for, right? I think so to an extent, but to the extent that I am aggravated with my own children and not sleeping or eating...well, it is quite ridiculous.

Thank goodness for blogging. I feel that I am able to get some of these thoughts out of my head and onto this blog. I probably take myself too serious, but I am constantly striving to be a better person, coach, husband, and father. I need to set a better example consistently, I have to do it.

Behind, Always Behind

I often wonder if I am the only coach who feels that they don't have enough hours in the day to do everything we need to do. Teaching a full day and trying to do everything we do with the baksetball program seems to make me feel as if I always have too much to do.

My laptop where I convert the games from our digital camcorder to discs is not functioning correctly. So, I ended up about 5 games behind before I was able to rectify the situation. But that has put me in a catch up situation ever since.

From watching tapes, to statting them, to entering stats in the computer to watching other teams games, taking care of orders, getting money in from the players for various things and keeping everything clean and running smoothly, I feel....behind...all the time.

It will help when we get some time off for a couple of days, but we have played four games in week 1 of our season. We play on the road this Saturday and next Tuesday, then the following Friday. That is 7 games in the first week and a half. Then a week off game wise until a game then Christmas Break.