About ten years ago, I felt the Holy Spirit in me to be a more consistent person, to be who I was in my best of times.
And it's been exhausting.
As you reach out, no one reaches back.
As you try to help.
No one helps you.
As you try to love.
Love isn't replicated.
For the last year, I've really had a set back in trying to be who I am all the time in my best of times.
I am who I am in my worst of times, I fear...that is who I am naturally.
I have zero patience for two facedness.
I have zero patience for people who never give credit or a pat on the back, but are quick to criticize, heck they don't have to be quick, they just never credit and always even subtly criticize.
I watch as I'm not invited to events.
I watch as I'm not treated equally.
I watch as I'm critiqued in a different way than others who are doing less.
I watch as I get verbal support or the occasional smile, but always superficial.
I watch and remember being slighted today and from 30 years ago.
And all that is wrong. Because I shouldn't care about those things, but I do.
So, I have been withdrawing.
Being less friendly.
Not gonna be pushed around without a fight.
Feeling like I've been taken advantage of.
Watching wrong doings being rewarded.
Seeing how people's hypocrisies are raring their ugly heads more and more.
Being less thankful.
Less loving.
And there is part of me that hates that I am going through this phase in life.
And there is part of me that embraces that maybe I'm only happy when I'm...not.
Unfortunately, I guess I'm going to act the way you're treating me, I can only be "put in my place" too often before I don't accept it anymore.
Still.
I'm not a complete a-hole.
I'm still here for the right reasons.
