Too many times, I have read where someone famous, or not so famous, has committed suicide, but they seemed so outwardly happy.
They are described as happy-go-luck, always the life of the party, or many other ways in describing someone who should not have done what they did...take their own life.
Recently, I understood.
I have had issues with mental health since at least 8th grade, but never really dealt with it until my early 40's. I have explained that when you have a panic attack when you are young, you can shrug it off. You have one in your 40's and you think you're having a heart attack, and it becomes a little more important to deal with.
Just the other day, I entered into one of my down times, and I finally understood how someone who looks happy on the outside can feel empty on the inside, because I did it.
I was tired, but there seemed as if something "alive" was missing inside of me. It was a hollow feeling that only I could feel or share if I chose to, but even then most people do not know what to do with that information.
Yet, I smiled on the outside.
I joked on the outside.
I tried to be a good friend/coach/husband/father...on the outside.
But inside, something was missing and I received no joy out of even breathing. And when I get that way, everything seems like a put down, everything feels like a slight, I do not want to be friendly to even my closest friends and everything seems disrespectful even if an issue were to go my way.
It is just how I feel.
Within a couple of days, I came out of it. I read my Bible, got into my books, listened to music and reminded myself over and over how good my life is, but I can only imagine.
I can only imagine what it must be like to live that way for an extended period of time.
I often say that depression is not wanting to live, but scared to death you're going to die and I would never do something that would put my issues onto my friends and family especially those pictured above....
But I understand.
If you're reading this and you feel the way I have described, reach out to someone.
Reach out to your family doctor, a counselor, a pastor, a friend, a loved one, but do not let yourself spiral down until you feel the only option is suicide because it is not.
You are dearly loved, and so many people would be devastated if you were gone.
