Let me preface this article by saying no one is to blame for me, but me.
I am insecure, not as bad as I used to be, but I am.
My feelings can get hurt too easily and I over think absolutely everything.
Why? I have put a lot of thought into it as I have aged, but here is what I have come up with.
My dad is one of the greatest men I have ever known, he is one of the most selfless people I have ever known, but I missed out on something growing up.
Again, no one is to blame, but me, but I can remember wanting to hear my dad tell me I was great, I wanted to hear compliments, but I do not remember getting them that often. My mom and other people would do it, but it never seemed to have the same reinforcement than if my dad did it.
Now I want anyone reading this to understand that my dad was a loving person to me, my sister and my mom. I learned many, many lessons on how to be a great father from him. He never drank alcohol and always gave of his time for me and my sister, but I just do not remember being told good job.
No one is to blame, but me in needing the words when I was almost overwhelmed with love by him through his actions.
Why did I need that affirmation from him? No idea. But it drove me to be successful in athletics just trying to get him to acknowledge it, but he didn't by word, but I got more than enough hugs from him.
Maybe it is become my dad didn't play sports and didn't understand what I was doing...?
I blame my grandfather who was a violent alcoholic towards my grandmother and his children, a grandfather who in his later life was very much loving to me, but was not to my dad. Because of that my dad spent much of his 20's and 30's when I was little, attempting to heal from his childhood. Considering what my dad endured, he was awesome...but I needed that verbal reinforcement.
No one is to blame, but me on how I feel about growing up.
Because of my immaturity, my lack of self-esteem, I do not know why, but I needed to hear those words..."I'm proud of you".
As an adult, my dad has used those words quite often. He's told me he's proud of me as a husband, father, and teacher/coach. You can see how proud he is of me when he tells me now and it feels good to hear, but there is this gnawing feeling I have carried into adulthood trying to please, not just him, but it has carried over now to my wife, my bosses, and other people that I care about.
My lack of self-esteem came about 7th grade when I went from being the cute elementary kid morphing into a young man with acne. The acne didn't affect me, but how people saw, treated and said things to me did.
Kids can be cruel, and even the slightest comment hurt deeply.
But, I was good at sports and that helped and my first love helped knowing that a girl in high school cared enough about me to over look the exterior because she saw my inside.
But it brought doubts.
It is crazy that I still long for verbal appreciation, it feels good to hear my wife say "you worked your butt off" for us to go on a trip, it feels good to hear any of my bosses or fellow workers acknowledge things I have done extra, and it feels good to be recognized.
But anymore, I feel less like I need it, and I will, in fact, try to deflect it. I have become that person that longs for the verbal appreciation, but then plays the humble person pretending that I do not need to hear it.
The mind is such a complex thing isn't it?
As I have aged and become wiser and grown in my faith, I have learned it is not about me in my actions in trying to be successful. My perceived slights are about me, but my actions to do what is right should never be about me.
I try to live each day doing for others and if they acknowledge it, so be it, if they do not, well I need to get over myself because that is not why I should be helping.
My expectation should not be loyalty or appreciation, my expectation should be am I glorifying God and being consistent in my belief system and if I am, that is all I need.
But it still hurts when I see friends getting together and no one asked me.
It still hurts when you feel that you have done a lot for someone and they do not reciprocate.
It still hurts when you have shown loyalty that few have, and yet you are overlooked, not seen and on the most shallow level feel disrespected.
But the battle I wage is my own, it is not my dad's fault, it is not my mom's fault, it is not my wife's fault, it is not my kids or superiors fault, it is mine.
I for too long have cared what others think and I know I have put up walls and it has made me come off as a jerk sometimes and maybe that is part of why I am left out.
If you put up the walls and keep everyone at arms length, you will not get hurt, but you will also be treated as if you do not want to be involved.
So I am writing to get some of these thoughts off my chest, to put them out there for me to feel better.
Maybe it will make you feel better too.
Maybe not.
Just know if you are struggling with these types of feelings, you're not alone and quit blaming others for what you can control in how you feel and what has "happened" to you.
It's not their fault.
It is you and your lack of completely understanding that you are enough, that you should help without expecting reciprocation and if you show loyalty, do not expect anything in return.
That is hard...real hard, but you should be attempting to help others not because it will gain you anything, but you should help others and do good deeds because it is the right thing to do.
But what do I know?
I'm almost 50 and still over thinking too much.
