Thursday, November 5, 2015
She's a Keeper...Fo Sho
About a year before the tornado hit Henryville in 2012, I had a panic attack. I didn't know what was going on, but I had an out of body experience that scared me. I am sure it scared a couple of my students, too as I hurried to the office at school to the nurse's office. There I was checked out, my blood pressure was quite elevated, they called my wife and I headed off to the emergency room.
After being checked out, they found nothing was wrong physically and it was probably a panic attack.
That was scary.
Then a week after the tornado in which my wife and I were in the school when it was hit by an EF-4, my anxiety increased to the level of another panic attack. And I had quite a few the following weeks entering into mild depression.
Through counseling, I realized that I had panic attacks all the way back to 8th grade. They were scary, but it was nothing that scared me to the point of fear of death. When you have a panic attack in your 20's, you wave it off. When you have one in your 40's, you think heart attack.
I was medicated for awhile, but decided to wean myself off that medication.
But I live with good days, OK days, and bad days. My anxiety always exists and I talk too much about too many things to the point that I know I annoy some people. It's a way of releasing some anxiety. It's a way to cope.
But I still have a panic attack from time to time and they are always scary.
And my wife...my wife has been supportive, loving and I am sure scared by what I have gone through. Her love and caring heart have helped immensely when others may have left because it had gotten to be too much.
I try to keep it from my children, and somewhat from my wife when the bad days arrive. I've told her that I try not to vent on her because it's too much. I've told her that when I talk to her about my anxiety or panic that it's bad because there are many days I say nothing trying to shield her from it somewhat.
But she's been awesome through it all.
I do not deserve her.
I do not deserve her love.
I do not deserve her understanding.
But I have it and I will keep it and I will hold on tight for as long as I can.