I've Tried for 10 Years (ish)

About ten years ago, I felt the Holy Spirit in me to be a more consistent person, to be who I was in my best of times.

And it's been exhausting.

As you reach out, no one reaches back.

As you try to help.

No one helps you.

As you try to love.

Love isn't replicated.

For the last year, I've really had a set back in trying to be who I am all the time in my best of times.

I am who I am in my worst of times, I fear...that is who I am naturally.

I have zero patience for two facedness.

I have zero patience for people who never give credit or a pat on the back, but are quick to criticize, heck they don't have to be quick, they just never credit and always even subtly criticize. 

I watch as I'm not invited to events.

I watch as I'm not treated equally.

I watch as I'm critiqued in a different way than others who are doing less.

I watch as I get verbal support or the occasional smile, but always superficial.

I watch and remember being slighted today and from 30 years ago.

And all that is wrong. Because I shouldn't care about those things, but I do.

So, I have been withdrawing.

Being less friendly.

Not gonna be pushed around without a fight.

Feeling like I've been taken advantage of.

Watching wrong doings being rewarded.

Seeing how people's hypocrisies are raring their ugly heads more and more.

Being less thankful.

Less loving.

And there is part of me that hates that I am going through this phase in life.

And there is part of me that embraces that maybe I'm only happy when I'm...not.

Unfortunately, I guess I'm going to act the way you're treating me, I can only be "put in my place" too often before I don't accept it anymore.

Still.

I'm not a complete a-hole.

I'm still here for the right reasons.

Hoosiers, Nah

Last year, our high school basketball team which is 3A, the second largest class based on enrollment, played at a smaller school, a 1A private school. That is the smallest class enrollment wise.

Of course, when we play them they take it as a small school playing a bigger school.

I get it, I would too.

They defeated us on a 3 pointer by an unlikely player in overtime and it was a huge victory for them for many reasons.

1. We are a much bigger school enrollment wise.

2. We have been pretty successful over the last 10+ years.

But afterwards a local multimedia organization made a highlight video of them beating us with a Hoosiers soundtrack song playing in the background as the tiny school beat the big school.

On paper, that is exactly what happened.

A little deeper look...

That smaller school had players from around the southern Indiana area and even one or two who had attended a private school in Louisville the previous year.

The bigger school relied heavily on a freshman and 3 sophomores who had not played much varsity basketball leading up to that moment. 

The smaller school relied on two juniors and a supporting cast that won their first round tournament series and was favored to go further.

And, the smaller school defeated us the previous year at our home as we were not nearly as good as we had been the previous few years, still...they won.

It was a great win for the smaller school, I am not trying to take anything away from them, but if you look deeper, I am not sure it warranted the Hoosiers nostalgia soundtrack.

This season, they come to our place and they are very good.

They have everyone back, but so do we.

They very well could win again, but I'd say this year would be a bigger win.

But...IF we win, it would be an upset because they are older have experienced more success and...are...a...very...good...team!

Coaching Is...

Coaching takes mental strength.

Coaching takes humility.

Coaching takes strength of what you're doing is right.

Coaching is reflecting and seeing if what you're doing actually works.

Coaching is holding yourself and your players accountable.

Coaching is having the ethical courage to admit your failures.

Coaching is having the ethical courage to meet with kids face to face...for good and for bad.

Coaching is behaving like a parent (we don't have it all figured out and we need to apologize to our children sometimes)

Coaching is elevating players publicly even when they can and will let you down...publicly and sometimes worse...privately.

The more you make coaching a sport about you, the more you fail despite wins or losses.

With all of that said....

They keep score for a reason and that means that winning is important.

If winning matters, then do what it takes to win.

If winning doesn't matter (I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around that) then be consistent.

And if this all seems too much for you, then get out or be an assistant who doesn't have all the pressure on them.

Parenting

Our children are created in our image.

We raise and love them.

They love us back or rebel.

When they rebel, they blame us for their misfortunes.

Yet, it is their choices that have led to these misfortunes.

Sometimes, bad things happen to them outside of their control.

That is because of someone else's bad decisions.

We still love them and are there for them when they fail or bad things happen to them.

Yea...same with God.

 

"If I am one of those [faces of the sport], I'm probably a good one because I'm authentic," Hurley said. "I'm basically a high school coach masquerading at the college level. I don't really care what people think of my intensity or passion. It obviously shows up with my team with how we play. We don't cheat. We don't lie. We're about all the right things. Just at times, I'm an asshole." UCONN Men's basketball coach Dan Hurley

And I felt this in my bones.

The Struggle is Real

I struggle being a good person.

I'm sure many people feel this way, but it is something that I really struggle with.

As I've grown in my faith, I can almost feel the pettiness, the anger, the "I'm going to get even" coming on and it takes a lot to stifle.

I am good as long as I think that a situation is fair, but if I don't...well, it's not good for me or the person it can be directed at.

I have almost accepted that I am "Nobody's #1" and when I say nobody, I mean nobody, but when something is directed at my wife or kids...I really struggle holding it together.

Sure, if you smart off to me, I'm going to snap back, but when it comes to them, well, let's just say that when I take the high road it is an amazing feat.

Because if I am hurt, but especially if my wife or kids are hurt, I want to hurt them back...with words, until they "give". 

It probably comes from not feeling equal growing up, but it really is dumb when you think about it.

So where is the fine line between standing up for yourself and letting stuff that really isn't that big of a deal go?

Because if there is anyone who can make a mountain out of mole hill, it's this guy...and maybe that's why I'm "Nobody's #1".

But I do try, a lot, but it so often feels like I'm trying to climb a muddy hill in the pouring rain making some progress, but slipping further back than I was when I started.

Ahhhh, I feel a little better and this is why I started this blog...to vent and to get stuff off my mind.